November 22nd, 2024
By: Danielle Penney, PhD Candidate Therapist
With the holiday season and New Year approaching, many of us feel a heightened sense of pressure. The end of the year can amplify our internal “rules” about how life should be—rules that sometimes pressure us to set big goals or meet unrealistic expectations. We may believe we “should” accomplish more, be “better,” or live up to standards that can counter-intuitively harm our well-being.
These expectations, known in psychological terms as “rules or assumptions for living”, can feel helpful initially, to get us on the right track, but they often become burdensome and set us up for stress and disappointment. Let’s explore how rules and assumptions shape our lives, how they might be holding us back, and what we can do to take the pressure off.
What Are Rules and Assumptions for Living?
Rules for living are the “shoulds” and “musts” we impose on ourselves, such as “I should be liked by everyone”, “I must always be successful”, or “The holidays must be extra special”. Assumptions are the beliefs we carry about how the world works, like “If I don’t succeed, I’m a failure”, “If I make a mistake, others won’t respect me”, or “If I don’t go all-out, people will not enjoy themselves”. These ideas often become so ingrained that we mistake them as facts when they’re actually just beliefs we’ve acquired over time.
Recent studies on perfectionism and self-esteem demonstrate that these “rules” are strongly related to feelings of self-worth. In fact, these all-or-nothing rules and assumptions often lead to self-criticism, anxiety, and low self-esteem (Shafran et al., 2018). When we fail to meet unrealistic expectations, it leaves us feeling inadequate and only serves to fuel self-doubt and can lead to burnout (Hill & Curran, 2016).
Example: Sarah’s Holiday Stress
Consider Sarah, a 35-year-old working mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. With the holiday season coming up, Sarah feels pressure to ensure everything is perfect—decorations, gifts, and gatherings with family and friends. Her rule for living is firmly set, that “I must make everyone happy.” As a result, she works overtime to meet expectations and worries about disappointing others.
Despite her best efforts, Sarah often feels like she’s falling short. If a family gathering doesn’t go exactly as planned, she criticizes herself for days. Her rule to “make everyone happy” doesn’t just affect her ability to enjoy the holidays—it impacts her self-esteem, leaving her feeling inadequate and uncapable. Rather than giving her purpose, her rules cause stress and disconnection from her true needs.
Steps to Break Free from Limiting Rules and Assumptions
Sound familiar? Here are some evidence-based cognitive behavioural techniques to start challenging rigid rules that risk undermining your self-esteem.
1. Identify Your Rules and Assumptions
Start by noticing moments when you feel stressed or self-critical. What’s the thought driving that feeling? Is it associated with a “should” or “must”? Our automatic thoughts can often reveal hidden rules we didn’t even realize we were following. For example, if you feel inadequate after not completing your to-do list, the rule might be, “I must always be productive.”
2. Challenge and Question
Once you spot a rule, question its validity by asking yourself:
3. Create Flexible Alternatives
Try updating your rule with a balanced alternative. For example, try updating “I must always be productive” with something that is also true, such as “I value productivity, but everyone needs to rest and recharge”. Or “I must make everyone happy”, to “I enjoy being kind and considerate, but I can’t control how others feel.”
4. Test New Ideas in the Real World
Start practicing your new, flexible idea in real situations. If Sarah wanted to change her rule “I must make everyone happy,” she could test it by setting concrete boundaries over the holidays (e.g., initiating a small-budget gift exchange over buying elaborate gifts for everyone). Her initial discomfort might lessen as she realizes others are likely to enjoy the activity. The idea that her worth isn’t defined by others’ happiness is a new idea and can foster a healthier sense of self-worth.
5. Be Kind to Yourself
When old rules or assumptions creep back in, try practicing self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a friend or loved-one. Check out Connecte Capsule # 8 by Dr. Andrea Martin, a founding member at Connecte for more on fostering self-compassion.
6. Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge every step you take toward challenging your rules and assumptions. Keep a note in your journal or on your phone and record your wins!
Self-Help for More Guidance
For more tools, consider Mind Over Mood (Greenberger & Padesky, 1995), which offers plenty of exercises to challenge rules and assumptions. For perfectionism, Overcoming Perfectionism (Shafran et al., 2018) offers strategies to reduce self-criticism and foster self-acceptance.
The next time you find yourself thinking, “I should” or “I have to” pause and ask, “Is this rule helping or holding me back?” Then, consider what could be different and take a small step.
Greenberger, D., & Padesky, C. A. (2015). Mind over mood: Change how you feel by changing the way you think. Guilford Publications.
Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout: A meta-analysis. Personality and social psychology review, 20(3), 269-288.
Shafran, R., Egan, S., & Wade, T. (2018). Overcoming Perfectionism 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using scientifically supported cognitive behavioural techniques. Robinson.
