April 14, 2026
By: Dr. Tobey Mandel, Clinical Psychologist
It’s 9:47 p.m. The dishes are “good enough.” Someone remembered to move the laundry. You finally get the kids to bed (or at least to the point where they’re not actively calling your name every two minutes), and there you are: two adults in the same room, on the same couch, under the same blanket… feeling oddly far apart.
One of you scrolls. The other stares at a show you’re not really watching. Maybe there’s a familiar ache in your chest: We love each other. So why does it feel like we’re just… managing a household now?
If you’ve had that thought, you’re not alone. Feeling connected as a couple while parenting is a tricky transition for most.
The Struggle
Romance often fades for practical reasons, such as juggling the daily routine of school drop-offs, meals, and bedtime negotiations, leaving little uninterrupted couple time.
Parents often feel that their identity is shifting deeply as well. Priorities have changed and finding time to feel like your old self becomes harder. For example, making time for hobbies, exercise, friendships and rest can be more challenging, meaning you’re often showing up to your romantic relationship with a glass half empty.
Shared responsibility is also a significant factor. When one person feels that they’re carrying more of the work load, be it daily tasks or mental work, they can start to feel unseen and resentful. This resentment can make it difficult to feel warmly toward a partner, which then can contribute to less positive moments together even when you do carve out the time together.
What Research Shows
The research is sobering, but also hopeful, because it suggests why this happens and what protects couples.
Parents report lower marital satisfaction than non-parents (Twenge et al., 2003). This does not mean parenthood ruins relationships; it means the transition reliably introduces stressors that many couples underestimate.
One of the clearest “daily life” mechanisms is the loss of shared enjoyment. In a longitudinal study of 147 dual-earner couples, leisure time tended to decline after the baby arrived, and shifts in leisure patterns were tied to marital quality (Claxton & Perry-Jenkins, 2008). In other words: it’s not just that you’re tired—it’s that the type of time you have together changes. Couple time becomes task time.
The kind of emotional climate you create also matters. In a longitudinal study following newlywed couples for six years, researchers found that wives’ marital satisfaction declined for 67% of those who became mothers, but remained stable or increased for 33% (Shapiro et al., 2000). The buffers were unsurprising: fondness and affection, awareness of one another and the relationship, and a sense of “we-ness.” The risk factors were equally recognizable: negativity, disappointment, and a feeling that life was chaotic.
Taken together, the research paints a helpful picture: romance doesn’t survive parenting by accident. It survives when couples protect small pockets of warmth, play, and partnership.
What to DO:
Here are realistic ways to build connection without pretending you have endless time, money, childcare, or energy.
Make connection “ridiculously small” (and daily).
Don’t aim for an hour-long deep talk if you can’t get one. Aim for 3 minutes of genuine presence. A daily micro-ritual might be a 20-second hug when you reunite, a quick check in about your day, the highs and lows, or a shared tea after bedtime. Really try to listen to each other for those few minutes, no phones and no multitasking.
Protect “real leisure,” not just shared chores.
Choose one light, repeatable leisure ritual that feels like you two, such as: one show you only watch together (even if it’s 22 minutes), a short walk after dinner with the stroller, or a monthly “breakfast date” when the kids are with a sitter, even for one hour.
Speak fondness out loud—especially when you don’t feel “romantic.”
One of the most powerful buffers in Shapiro and colleagues’ work was expressed fondness and affection. Try being specific: “I noticed you packed lunches even though you were exhausted.” “Thank you for taking that call so I could breathe.” “I’m proud of how patient you were tonight.”
Do a “parent meeting” weekly or monthly.
When possible, set time aside to cover logistics of family life, so that the balance of work and emotional load feel more shared. Further, this allows you to know there will be time to cover these subjects and you’ll feel less pull to use every moment together to iron out these logistics.
Learn quick repair after conflict.
When you’re feeling stretched too thin, words come out with less care and tone is not always checked. Try to quickly notice that, apologize, and try again.
The couples who stay connected aren’t necessarily the ones with the easiest babies or the most babysitters (although that can help!) – they’re often the ones who keep returning to fondness, shared enjoyment, and feeling seen even when life is loud.
Claxton, A. & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2008). No fun anymore: Leisure and marital quality across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70, 28–43. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00459.x
Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M. & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14, 59–70. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.59
Twenge, J. M., W. Campbell, K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65, 574–583. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x
