August 25th, 2025
By: Patricia Paul, Couple and Family Therapist
Early in my training as a couple and family therapist, I learned something that stuck with me: many couples come to therapy not because they have too much conflict, but because they struggle to mentalize. Mentalization, a concept developed by Peter Fonagy, refers to the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions while holding both your perspective and theirs in mind (Fonagy and Allison, 2012). In simple terms, it’s about seeing the world through your partner’s eyes without losing sight of your own.
When couples lose the ability to mentalize during conflict, each partner tends to hold tightly to their own point of view. They listen to respond rather than to understand. Empathy gets replaced by defensiveness, and the relationship becomes more about being “right” than staying connected. And yet, connection is the very thing we crave most in our intimate partnerships.
But when we feel hurt, misunderstood, or stuck in a familiar argument, connection can feel like the last thing we want to prioritize. It becomes especially difficult when the issue is one that keeps coming back. If this sounds familiar, it might help to know that not all problems are meant to be solved.
Daniel Wile, author of After the Honeymoon, wrote that choosing a partner is essentially “choosing a set of problems”. Similarly, John Gottman and Nan Silver (2015) found that nearly 70 percent of conflicts in long-term relationships are unsolvable. These are not necessarily signs of incompatibility. They are often about enduring personality differences or deeply held values. For example, one partner may thrive on spontaneity while the other finds comfort in routine.
So, if many conflicts are inevitable, how can we navigate them in a way that keeps us close instead of driving us apart? Here are five recommendations to help you prioritize connection, even when things get tense:
Avoid starting with “I don’t agree.” While honest, this phrase can sound combative. Instead, try saying “I’d like to share another perspective” or “I see it a bit differently.” These alternatives encourage dialogue and openness rather than defensiveness.
A meaningful apology is not about appeasing the other person. It is about taking responsibility and showing care. A simple statement like “I can see how that hurt you, and I am sorry” can go a long way in rebuilding trust and emotional safety.
Each person brings a unique set of values, histories, and sensitivities into a relationship. Strong relationships are not about eliminating these differences but about creating a shared foundation that honors both people’s experiences. This foundation must be revisited and adjusted over time as each person grows and changes.
If you feel too emotionally activated to have a productive conversation, take a break. But agree on a specific time to return to the discussion. During the break, focus on self-regulation strategies like journaling, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness to return to calm before reengaging.
Instead of only communicating when tensions run high, set aside regular time to talk about the relationship. These check-ins prevent small issues from escalating and help both partners feel heard. When communication only happens during arguments, it can create the belief that talking always means conflict. The goal is not to avoid difficult conversations but to have them with more empathy and compassion.
Human beings are wired for connection, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. According to the Gottman Ratio, we need at least five positive interactions to offset every negative one (Gottman and Silver, 2015). That means small gestures matter. A kind word, a soft touch, a shared laugh, all of these strengthen the relationship in ways that make conflict easier to navigate.
A quote I once heard at a parenting conference has always stayed with me: “We’re all toddlers in tuxedos.” It reminds me that no matter how put-together we seem on the outside, we are all vulnerable inside. In moments of conflict, it’s often our most tender parts that are speaking.
What matters most is not whether we feel hurt or misunderstood, it’s how we respond to those feelings. Every interaction is a chance to either build a bridge or widen the gap. When in doubt, choose connection over being right.
In the end, all couples face conflict and unsolvable problems. The goal is not to eliminate these challenges but to respond to them in ways that strengthen the bond between you. Empathy, curiosity, and compassion can turn even the hardest conversations into opportunities for growth.
Fonagy, P., and Allison, E. (2012). What is mentalization? The concept and its foundations in developmental research. In Midgley, N., and Vrouva, I. (Eds.), Minding the child: Mentalization-based interventions with children, young people and their families (pp. 11–34). Routledge.
Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., and Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.
Gottman, J., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Wile, D. B. (1988). After the honeymoon: How conflict can improve your relationship. Wiley.
