October 1st, 2025
By: Dr Ege Biçaker, Clinical Psychologist
We hear more and more about self-compassion these days. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, defines self-compassion as treating ourselves the same way we treat a loved one in times of struggle (Neff, 2003). This means being aware of our difficulties, responding with kindness instead of judgement, and understanding that all humans have limitations and experience hardships, rather than feeling isolated. Studies consistently highlight the benefits of self-compassion for mental health, including fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and suicidality (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012; Cleare et al., 2019; Turk & Waller, 2020).
Although these findings are not surprising, many of us have our qualms about self-compassion. I have observed some of these qualms first-hand with my clients in therapy; they started rolling their eyes as I uttered the words “self-compassion”. While some believed that cultivating self-compassion would be helpful but were not sure where to start, others truly did not like the idea. It felt too “touchy-feely” and “soft”; what they thought they needed to overcome their difficulties was “toughness”. Researchers have found that these fears about self-compassion tend to cluster in three themes (Gilbert et al., 2011):
Fears about lowering personal standards
Often, the concerns about self-compassion arise from the confusion of self-compassion with complacency. This is no surprise, given the emphasis on discipline and self-control in our society. Many of us grew up learning that criticism drives improvement and keeps us in line. Starting with our childhood, we learned to criticize ourselves first before we give anyone else the chance. To this day, our inner critic works relentlessly to find our flaws in an attempt to change them and improve. While self-criticism pushes us at times, it leaves us feeling inadequate, ashamed, and discouraged over time – not necessarily the most motivating emotions. Just think of the times you delayed starting a project or did not complete it with the fear that it will not be good enough or gave up on a project altogether because your inner critic convinced you that you weren’t cut out for it.
On the other hand, self-compassion reduces our avoidance of potentially challenging situations and enhances motivation. Self-compassion helps increase efforts to work harder after an initial failure (Barczak & Eklund, 2020), take accountability for our actions (Leary et al., 2007), and make amends (Breines & Chen, 2012), as the understanding that everyone makes mistakes makes us feel less threatened by our shortcomings. Rather than letting themselves off the hook, self-compassionate individuals take better care of their health (Sirois et al., 2015), are more caring and supportive in romantic relationships (Neff & Beretvas, 2012), and show more compassion to others (Cha et al., 2023). Far from lowering standards, self-compassion helps us grow in line with our values.
Fears about emotional vulnerability
Another common concern about self-compassion stems from a fear of being in touch with one’s difficult emotions. To be compassionate to ourselves, we need to first have sensitivity to our emotions. For many of us, this is no easy feat. As humans, we try to steer clear from aversive experiences, including difficult emotions. Especially if expressing emotions were unsafe, disapproved of, or responded with anger in our early life, we learn to numb or escape from our emotions. This avoidance often leads to its own problems in the long run. We either turn to substances, emotional eating, or harming ourselves to block emotions or we limit our lives to avoid any chance of feeling anxious, hurt, or ashamed. For some of us, our avoidance leads to confusion; we do not know why we lashed out or why we said that hurtful thing because we never pay close attention to the emotions underlying our actions.
Opening our hearts to our feelings is not easy if we have been trying to block our emotions for so long. Even thinking about compassion can stir feelings like sadness of not having received compassion from significant others in our life. Yet, seeing our emotions as part of the human condition and understanding that we are not alone in our suffering can help ease the pain. After all, it is our suffering that connects us to all other human beings. The source of the suffering might change, but we all experience hardships, pain, disappointment, and heartbreak in life – no matter what social media wants us to believe. When we drop the extra layer of judgement (“I should not feel this way”, “What is wrong with me that I feel so unhappy?”), we are better able to stay with our emotions without the need to run away.
Fears about being undeserving of compassion
For some, self-criticism stems not only from high standards but from a deeper sense of unworthiness. This sense of undeserving is often linked to parental rejection, neglect and abuse. If our parents turned violent, withdrew love (or threatened to do so), or called us names when we made a mistake, we don’t only learn that what we did was “bad”, but also that we are “bad”. As children, we don’t recognize that a parent’s behavior reflects their own struggles or shortcomings. Instead, if they’re angry with us, we assume we must be at fault. We take our caregivers’ words and actions as truth. In fact, it is too costly for us not to do so. We depend on our caretakers so much that we cannot afford to disagree with their view. It is very frightening to believe those whom we look up to might be the ones at fault.
As adults, we might better see the link between our childhood and our self-worth, but the feelings related to being undeserving often remain. Changing the way we feel about ourselves is a slow and effortful process. It requires the practice of recognizing our feelings of undeserving, understanding their roots, and gently distancing ourselves from them – no matter how many times it takes. Given our society’s emphasis on finding shortcuts and fast tracks, it is tempting to get down on ourselves and feel hopeless when our efforts do not result in instant change, yet meaningful change can take a long time.
The take-away
When we look closely at our resistances to self-compassion, we can see that they result from our learnings in early life. However, the strategies we adopted to protect ourselves back then can often hold us back now. Developing self-compassion might be uncomfortable or even scary, but it opens the door to greater resilience and connection with ourselves.
Barczak, N., & Eklund, R. C. (2020). The moderating effect of self-compassion on relationships between performance and subsequent coping and motivation. International Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 18(2), 256-268.
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
Cha, J. E., Serlachius, A. S., Cavadino, A., Kirby, J. N., & Consedine, N. S. (2023). Self-compassion and compassion for others: A multiple mediation study of personal values. Mindfulness, 14(10), 2417-2429.
Cleare, S., Gumley, A., & O’Connor, R. C. (2019). Self-compassion, self-forgiveness, suicidal ideation, and self-harm: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 26(5), 511-530. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2372
Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Matos, M., & Rivis, A. (2011). Fears of compassion: Development of three self‐report measures. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, research and practice, 84(3), 239-255.
Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B., Adams, C. E., Batts Allen, A., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating oneself kindly.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(5), 887–904. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.5.887
MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545-552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and identity, 2(3), 223-250.
Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2012). The Role of Self-compassion in Romantic Relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548
Sirois, F. M., Kitner, R., & Hirsch, J. K. (2015). Self-compassion, affect, and health-promoting behaviors.Health Psychology, 34(6), 661–669. https://doi.org/10.1037/hea0000158
Turk, F., & Waller, G. (2020). Is self-compassion relevant to the pathology and treatment of eating and body image concerns? A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 79, 101856. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2020.101856
