When Guilt Leads Us to Abandon Ourselves  

May 26th, 2025
By: Sara Matovic, Therapist and PhD Candidate

When Guilt Leads Us to Abandon Ourselves

Have you ever found yourself apologizing for simply needing something, even before you ask for it? Or saying yes when every part of you quietly whispered no?

For many sensitive, empathic, or anxious people, guilt can become an invisible force that drives us to abandon our own needs in order to preserve connection, avoid conflict, or maintain the image of being “good” (Leonardi et al., 2022). Over time, this pattern can leave us feeling hollow, resentful, or chronically exhausted.

In this post, we will explore why guilt so often leads us to disconnect from ourselves and how healing begins by learning to stay loyal to our own feelings, even when guilt flares up.

Why We Feel Guilty for Having Needs

Guilt is not inherently a bad thing. It serves an important social function: motivating us to repair relationships when we have genuinely hurt someone and reminding us to act in ways that align with our values (Dearing, 2002). At its healthiest, guilt helps us stay connected, stay accountable, and nurture our relationships.

However, for many people, especially those with early relational wounds, insecure attachment patterns, highly sensitive nervous systems, or those who have experienced trauma, guilt can become overactive. When emotional needs were met with disapproval, anger, or withdrawal growing up, it can condition us to associate even healthy self-advocacy with risk (Gazzillo & and Leonardi, 2024). Guilt becomes a reflexive attempt to maintain safety: “If I minimize myself, maybe I will stay connected. If I do not upset anyone, maybe I will be okay.”

At that point, guilt is no longer just triggered by real harm. It can be triggered by anything perceived as interfering with connection. Having needs, setting boundaries, or choosing oneself can all feel like potential violations.

Over time, guilt itself can become distorted. Instead of guiding us toward genuine repair, it begins activating anytime we move toward authenticity. When guilt loses its focus on behaviour and turns into a belief that we ourselves are bad, it can become fused with shame (Norman et al., 2019). In this way, guilt that was once meant to protect our relationships can end up hollowing out our relationship with ourselves.

The Fear of Hurting Others

One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is not just dealing with our own guilt, it is confronting the very real fear that others may react poorly. Sometimes, that fear is well-founded. Not everyone welcomes honesty or autonomy easily. Some people may express disappointment, anger, or even withdraw their affection. For those of us sensitive to relational disconnection, this can feel like confirmation that our needs are dangerous.

If you notice yourself caught in this fear, you might gently reflect:

• What part of me is trying to protect connection by silencing my needs?
• How old does this fear feel? Does it remind me of earlier experiences?
• Can I hold compassion for the part of me that believes I must choose between being loved and being true to myself?
• What would it be like to trust that the right relationships will survive my honesty?
• How might setting a boundary be an act of care for both myself and the relationship?

When we live with the constant fear that our needs will harm our relationships, it becomes all too easy to silence those needs and, over time, to silence ourselves.

How Guilt Leads to Self-Abandonment

In an effort to avoid guilt and prevent conflict, we often learn to disconnect from our own needs altogether.

• We say yes when we mean no.
• We apologize for taking up space.
• We convince ourselves that our feelings are not valid or important.

At first, this may seem to work. Relationships stay intact, tension is avoided. But the longer we abandon ourselves, the more exhausted, resentful, and emotionally isolated we become.

Signs you may be caught in this pattern include:

• Feeling resentment after agreeing to things you did not want to do
• Difficulty identifying what you truly want
• Constant internal questioning: “Am I being selfish?”

The Cost of Chronic Self-Abandonment

The real price of guilt-driven self-abandonment is not immediate, it is cumulative. Over time, it erodes self-trust. It hollows out authenticity. It leaves us living in a reactive state, constantly attuned to others’ expectations but profoundly disconnected from our own inner compass. It can contribute to anxiety, depression, burnout, and a pervasive feeling of being invisible, even to ourselves (Cândea & Szentagotai-Tătar, 2018; Gazzillo & and Leonardi, 2024; Kim et al., 2011).

Healing: Rebuilding Loyalty to Yourself

Healing from guilt and self-abandonment does not happen by eliminating guilt altogether.
It happens by learning to relate to guilt differently.

Here are a few places to begin:

Recognize and Sit with Guilt Without Letting It Lead

Guilt does not have to be a command. You can feel guilty and still honor your needs. The goal is not to silence guilt, but to recognize when it no longer accurately reflects reality.

• Start by practicing small acts of self-loyalty: pausing before saying yes, checking in with your feelings, and taking a breath before rushing to soothe others’ discomfort.
• When guilt arises, try allowing it to exist without immediately moving to fix it or abandon yourself.

You might gently remind yourself:

• Feeling guilty does not automatically mean I have done something wrong.
• I can feel guilty and still stay true to my values.
• This feeling will pass, even if it feels intense right now.

The more you practice staying with the discomfort of guilt, the more trust you build in your ability to remain connected to yourself under pressure.

Turn Guilt into an Opportunity for Self-Compassion

Instead of seeing guilt as a sign you have failed, you can begin to see it as a signal that you need care.

When guilt arises, it can be an invitation to check in with yourself:

• What am I feeling underneath the guilt?
• What might I need right now, such as understanding, reassurance, or patience?
• Can I offer myself the kindness I would naturally extend to someone else who is struggling?

Over time, guilt does not have to be something you fear or fight against. It can become a reminder to turn inward with compassion, reaffirming that your needs, feelings, and limits deserve respect, especially from yourself.

Reframe Needs as Healthy, Not Harmful 

Needs are not burdens; they are bridges to true connection.

• A relationship that cannot tolerate your humanity may not be as secure as it seems.
• Honoring your needs is not selfish. It is a way of nurturing your authenticity and deepening the quality of your connections with others.

Reflect Gently on Boundaries and Repair

Explore, gently and honestly:

• What would it be like to believe that setting limits is an act of care, not betrayal?
• What if honouring my needs is a way of nurturing the health of my relationships, not harming them?

Setting a boundary does not mean cutting people off. You can say, “I care about you, and I also need to honor myself.” Relationships that can hold complexity and truth are the ones most worth nurturing.

—

Healing from self-abandonment is not about becoming selfish.

It is about becoming whole.

You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to have needs.
You are allowed to stay connected to yourself, even when guilt knocks on your door.

Sometimes, choosing yourself is the bravest way to keep your heart open, both to yourself and to those willing to meet you there.

references

Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.115.2.243

Cândea, D.-M., & Szentagotai-Tătar, A. (2018). Shame-proneness, guilt-proneness and anxiety symptoms: A meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 58, 78–106. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2018.07.005

Dearing, R. I. (2002). Shame and Guilt. Emotions and Social Behavior. Guilford Publications.

Gazzillo, F., & and Leonardi, J. (2024). Burdening guilt: Theoretical and clinical features. International Forum of Psychoanalysis, 33(1), 39–50. https://doi.org/10.1080/0803706X.2023.2236343

Kim, S., Thibodeau, R., & Jorgensen, R. S. (2011). Shame, guilt, and depressive symptoms: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 137(1), 68–96. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021466

Leonardi, J., Gazzillo, F., Gorman, B. S., & Kealy, D. (2022). Understanding interpersonal guilt: Associations with attachment, altruism, and personality pathology. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 63(6), 573–580. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12854

Norman, S., Allard, C., Browne, K., Capone, C., Davis, B., & Kubany, E. (2019). Trauma informed guilt reduction therapy: Treating guilt and shame resulting from trauma and moral injury. Academic Press.