October 30th, 2024
By: Candace Kensley, BSW, M.Sc(A), CFT, Couple and Family Therapist
It’s that time of year when the weather starts to change and we brace ourselves for the inevitable winter cold. Some people know it as cuffing season, a time when new relationships begin, and older relationships deepen their commitment. But what happens when you’ve started to feel like you’re not quite as excited as you once were about the person sitting next to you on the couch? Sometimes we’re quick to jump to the conclusion that this relationship simply isn’t going to work out. We call it quits before we’ve even had the chance to uncover the issue. Relationships require constant effort and with that effort comes growth, but the real question is, how can you make sure that you’re growing together, not apart?
No matter how loving and committed a relationship is, it’s not enough to simply maintain the status quo. If a relationship is not growing and evolving, it can quickly become stagnant, leading to boredom, frustration, or even resentment. If we’re not careful to recognize the warning signs, we can stay trapped in these patterns and gradually grow further apart from our partner. On the other hand, by making a concerted effort to grow together, couples can deepen their connection and build a stronger foundation for their relationship.
So, what does it mean to grow together and what can we do to make it happen?
Growing together as a couple can mean different things to different people. We all have distinct needs and expectations in our relationships, and what will be accepted in one relationship won’t be in another. Overall, growing together means actively working to improve yourself as an individual, while also growing your shared life with your partner. It’s about staying committed to supporting each other’s personal growth and development, while evolving together as a couple. Sometimes these evolutions can be painful, especially when it means renegotiating boundaries and shifting our expectations of one another. Fortunately, if we persevere, the payoff is high when it results in a deeper bond, better understanding of each other, and more intimacy.
What goes into growing a relationship?
1 – The biggest and most important piece of this puzzle is communication. None of these changes or shifts will be possible without open and honest communication in the relationship. Being able to say when things feel hard or painful, and being able to listen and take things in without feeling defensive or placing blame, is essential. Easier said than done, right?! It doesn’t have to be perfect but have the hard conversations. If things start to get a little heated, take a break and come back to it in a couple of hours. Try paraphrasing what your partner is telling you to make sure you’re getting it. If you find that you’re having a strong reaction to something, check in with yourself about what might be causing this. Ask each other what you need from one another. If you feel like you’re really struggling with communication in your relationship and things don’t seem to be moving forward, it might be helpful to speak to a couples therapist who can help figure out what might be getting in the way.
2 – Now that we’ve established that we need good communication, the next piece is to build a life outside of each other. Sometimes when we get into our relationship bubble, we get wrapped up in building our lives around our partners such that we lose our unique identity and forget who we are without them. You are yours before you are your partner’s so don’t neglect yourself and your needs and know that your partner can’t meet every need you have. Sometimes we expect our partners to be our everything; friend, lover, co-parent, partner, and even colleague in the case of couples who both work from home. This creates tremendous pressure on our partners and when things in the relationship start to go downhill, we’re left with very little else to build ourselves back up. That’s why it’s so important to create a life that includes multiple sources for getting your needs met, including friendships, family (or chosen family) connections, a satisfying work environment, as well as a healthy romantic relationship.
3 – Another important factor in growing together is leaving room for change. This might be one of the hardest parts of negotiating growth in a relationship because change is scary and sometimes even painful. We are creatures of habit and change threatens our safety and our security. Unfortunately, change is the only constant in life, so let’s start by recognizing and embracing the fact that you and your partner are bound to change and grow over time. Allow yourself to grieve when you need to, and be willing to adapt and adjust to each other’s needs. This may take some negotiating and will certainly include discussions about boundaries and limits. Perhaps building new friendships means spending less one-on-one time together, which might feel like a rejection to one of you. These are the hard conversations to have, but remember that you’re trying to understand each other’s needs; the need for safety and the need for connection. It’s important to encourage each other to pursue new interests and goals, without giving the impression that the other person is being left behind. This is the key to growing together, rather than in separate directions.
4 – Now that we’ve talked about the importance of creating space for your individual needs within the context of the relationship, let’s talk about what you can do together to create growth. Having shared goals that you both work towards in the relationship is a crucial part of encouraging growth as a couple. This includes having shared experiences, trying new things, and finding small ways you can both build toward the future you want together. That also means having a common vision and getting aligned on how you want your lives to look as you move forward. It might mean coming up with short-term goals like planning a vacation or long-term ones like planning for the lives you’ll have in retirement. Accomplishing things together can give the relationship purpose and keep you on track. It also allows you to have things to celebrate and appreciate as you hit those milestones in your relationship together.
There are so many ways to grow a relationship beyond what’s listed above, and no two relationships are the same so find what works best for you. Remember that growing together takes effort, patience, and commitment. Keep checking in with each other along the way and don’t give up on each other or yourselves.
Aron A., Norman C., Aron E., McKenna C., Heyman R. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 7, 8273–8284.
Harasymchuk C., Muise A., Bacev-Giles C., Gere J., Impett E. (2020). Broadening your horizon one day at a time: Relationship goals and exciting activities as daily antecedents of relational self-expansion. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(6), 1910–1926.
Lang, F. R., & Fingerman, K. L. (Eds.). (2004). Growing together: Personal relationships across the lifespan. Cambridge University Press.
