Seeing red: what to do when you feel angry

August 29th, 2024
By: Dr. Marianne Lemay, Clinical Psychologist

Many people feel lost when it comes to cope with anger. They go directly to familiar patterns of throwing objects, hurting themselves, or doing nothing (but deep down feeling shitty for not doing anything). If you also feel like anger is hard to regulate, you’re not alone! This blog could help you better understand and cope with it.

First thing’s first, what is anger? It’s an emotional state that varies in intensity, and it is an adaptive response to perceived threats or provocation (American Psychological Association, 2023; Kjaervik and Bushman, 2024). We all experience anger from time to time; some people more frequently and in higher intensity than others. Anger inspires to action in situations where you feel not respected, unseen, controlled, or in danger. There is often an underlying emotion to anger: feeling helpless, ashamed, worried, sad, etc. Anger is accompanied by various physiological reactions (ex., heart rate and blood pressure go up, clenched fists) and behavioral impulses (ex., punching, screaming; American Psychological Association, 2023). Like all emotions, it also comes with automatic thoughts that are different for each person. For example, thinking “I’ll show him how pissed I am!”, “I hate her!” or “I’m not allowed to be angry”.

When people don’t know what to do with that internal experience, it can lead to a large spectrum of possible reactions; passive-aggressive comments, turning it against yourself, substance use, violence or aggressivity, interpersonal conflicts, accumulating frustrations, etc. Those reactions usually don’t help regulating anger in a healthy way. I’m sure you can think of someone you know who isn’t dealing with anger in a healthy way; they probably suffer from it and its consequences on relationships, work, their well-being (Goulet, Chaloult and Ngô, 2018).

This is why healthy anger management is so important for general well-being. It consists in making room for anger, without acting on it through aggressivity, self-judgement, minimizing or suppressing. This can also be called “an acceptance stance”. Acceptance creates a connection with our emotions and important information they convey about our internal and external world. For more information on acceptance, go to Dr. Lisa Linardatos’ blog All About Emotions! Accepting Difficult Emotions and Feeling Strong Feelings Without Acting. But how exactly do we do that?

First, you can pay attention to anger “amplificators”: unhealthy life habits (food, sleep, physical activity), social isolation and substance use (Goulet, Chaloult and Ngô, 2018). Also try to notice if you reinforce your anger with unhelpful thoughts and non-verbal cues (volume and tone of voice; swearing, calling people names). Working on those aspects can help managing anger in an indirect way (I know I can personally be grumpy when I didn’t sleep enough!). Various techniques have also been shown to be helpful with anger management (American Psychological Association, 2023; Kjaervik and Bushman, 2024). Here are a few:

1. Strategy: The time out. If you feel like your anger is too intense and you feel like you’re about to lash out impulsively or hurt someone/something, take a time out. Take a break outside of the situation and wait until you feel a decrease in your anger’s intensity. You can use an imaginary thermometer to help you gage the intensity of your anger (from 1 to 10, for example). When you notice a decrease in the anger’s intensity, use another strategy to understand better what happened.
2. Strategy: Mindful presence to anger. When you notice some form of anger (ex., irritation, resentment, rage), slow down. Try to identify what is the trigger. Where is the feeling in your body? What is that feeling trying to tell you about your experience? Just observe that reaction. Can you make room for all the different parts of that anger, even the underlying emotions to it? Can you tell yourself that it’s there. You can sit with it. There is nothing you have to do with it.
3. Strategy: Calming. To regulate anger, you can take deep breaths, do yoga, meditate, do progressive muscle relaxation, visualize a calming memory or imaginary space, or use humour.
4. Strategy: Suppressing. It is a helpful technique when the timing doesn’t allow you to regulate your anger right away AND you plan on getting back to it later. Suppressing can be done through distraction (ex., watching TV, walking, working). It is important to set yourself a time to come back to your anger, at a more appropriate moment.
5. Strategy: Expressing. Express your anger through assertiveness (see Lisa’s blog for assertiveness tips: Choose Yourself While Respecting Others: The Whys And Hows Of Assertiveness) or use another “expressive” tool (ex., calling a friend, screaming in a pillow or, my personal favorite, singing or dancing to music). Please note that usually, aggressivity increases anger; blowing off some steam isn’t helpful, on its own, to regulate anger (American Psychological Association, 2023; Goulet, Chaloult and Ngô, 2018).

Showing openness to explore your anger can be really challenging, since it can be accompanied with deep-rooted reactions and beliefs. A therapist could accompany you in that process. Don’t forget: it takes patience, empathy, intentionality and curiosity to develop healthier ways to cope with anger.

Enjoy your journey to anger acceptance!

references

American Psychological Association (November 3, 2023). Control anger before it controls you. https://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control

Goulet, J., Chaloult, L. et Ngô, T.L. (2018). Gestion de la colère : Manuel d’information destiné aux patients (1^e éd.) https://tccmontreal.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/guide-de-pratique-gestion-de-la-colc3a8re-manuel-d_information-destinc3a9-aux-patients-isbn-2018.pdf

Goulet, J., Chaloult, L. et Ngô, T.L. (2018). Guide de pratique pour la gestion de la colère (1^e éd.)

https://tccmontreal.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/guide-de-pratique-gestion-de-la-colere-isbn-2018.pdf

Kjaervik, S.L., Bushman, B.J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review (109).