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The Art of Not Knowing

The Art of Not Knowing

Having goals, dreams and desires implies looking forward and planning ahead. However, focus on the future is often accompanied by worries about hypothetical situations. Indeed, the things we care about the most are often ambiguous and unknowable. Because humans are hard-wired to prefer certainty to uncertainty, we experience this ambiguity as highly uncomfortable, even distressing. Considering that the future is uncertain and that being faced with the unknown is uncomfortable, we tend to develop strategies to avoid or reduce uncertainty. These may work in the short term. When intolerance to uncertainty becomes the rule, however, striving to eliminate it altogether paradoxically contributes to increased anxiety and suffering, and ultimately impedes our ability to reach our goals (Dugas, Gosselin & Ladouceur, 2001).

According to Kelly Wilson and Troy Dufrene, authors of Things May Go Horribly Terribly Wrong (a perfect title for a book on uncertainty), the first step to changing the way we relate to the unknown is to become aware of the myriad strategies we engage in to neutralize ambiguity (Wilson & Dufrene, 2010).

The list below may be helpful to begin thinking about which intolerance to uncertainty tactics we engage in the most and to prompt reflection on what uncertainty means to us.

1. Observe: How do I relate to uncertainty?

Approach Strategies:

  • Worrying to “solve” uncertainty. Worries are often plans, predictions and preparations for hypothetical situations that are ultimately ambiguous and unknown. It may feel “productive” to worry, but when the topic of worry is out of one’s control, such as for future events, worrying about it becomes an “intolerance to uncertainty strategy” and only leads to more worry.

  • Reassurance seeking. Asking for reassurance and seeking advice are also common ways to dispel uncertainty and to attempt to “feel certain”. Ex: Asking a loved one if they love you multiple times a day, asking multiple sources about an upcoming decision, getting second and third opinions…

  • Searching online. Digital and social media technology provides the luxury of quick and easy access to unlimited answers to our innumerable everyday questions. Through immediate and constant access to information, technology use in many contexts can take the form of reassurance seeking and, ultimately, reduces spontaneous daily exposure to uncertainty. Recent research actually shows that intolerance to uncertainty is a rising phenomenon that correlates with the rise of digital technology such as smartphones. Ex: Googling health questions as they occur, searching through someone’s or one’s own social media, excessive online-researching before making a decision (Carleton et. al, 2019).

  • Double checking. Double-checking may also easily become triple-checking or more. Ex: Repetitive checking of one’s bank account and email, repetitive-checking that the door is locked, double-checking the route to get to a destination.

  • Perfectionism, not delegating and overprotecting. To reduce uncertainty and to gain a sense of control, some may try to do everything themselves, over-prepare and not delegate to others. This may also take the form of perfectionistic tendencies relating to the idea that if everything is perfect, the outcome will be predictable and positive. People may also apply these strategies in the context of their relationships with significant others by being overprotective and doing things for them.

Avoidance Strategies

  • Procrastinating, choosing not to choose and indecisiveness. Putting off beginning a task that has uncertain outcomes. Will I be able to succeed? Am I good enough? Having trouble making decisions that have unclear outcomes and that include uncertain elements. These strategies may serve to minimize one’s experience of the discomfort of not knowing (Rassin & Murris, 2005).

  • Avoiding new opportunities. Avoidance of the experience of uncertainty may take the form of avoiding new experiences altogether. Ex: turning down a promotion for fear of not being good enough, not going to a party with new friends, not travelling to unknown places.

  • Cognitive avoidance. Efforts to not think about uncertain topics until it is absolutely necessary.

Beliefs about uncertainty

  • It feels irresponsible or dangerous for there to be uncertainty in life.

  • Uncertainty means that something bad will happen.

  • Belief that you cannot tolerate not knowing how things will go (“I will not be able to manage”).

  • Feeling that it is preferable to be certain that an outcome will be bad, than to not know the outcome.

As mentioned, everyone uses some of these strategies some of the time. Intolerance to uncertainty becomes most problematic when reliance on these types of strategies interferes with what’s most important to us.

2. Observe and notice: What are the costs?

The second step is to become aware of how regular use of these strategies interferes with one’s goals, relationships and general wellbeing. We may ask ourselves the following questions:

  • Are worries about the future getting in the way of my enjoyment of the present moment?

  • How much time am I spending trying to “solve” uncertainty? What else could I be doing?

  • What meaningful experiences am I avoiding or putting off due to intolerance to uncertainty?

  • Does my intolerance to uncertainty affect my relationships with loved ones?

3. Observe, notice and feel: Sitting with it. The final step implies doing the opposite of efforts to move away from uncertainty. In fact, it involves leaning into it and requires the willingness to experience its discomfort. If the only thing that is certain in life is that life is fundamentally uncertain, then acceptance of uncertainty, in all its discomfort, is necessary. Allowing oneself to simply experience ambiguity is not to love it, but to learn that it is both uncomfortable and tolerable.

  • How to sit with uncertainty? When resisting the urge to engage in strategies to reduce uncertainty, take a moment to explore your internal experience. Identify what you are feeling. Observe the sensations in your body, notice the feeling of your breath. Notice your thoughts. Remember, no matter how intense your thoughts and emotions become, they are temporary and they will pass. It may be helpful to remind yourself of the following coping statements: “This too shall pass”, “I do not know and it is okay”, “It is uncomfortable and I can feel it”, “It is uncertain, I do not need to solve it”.

  • For more information on sitting with difficult emotions, see this blog post.

4. Be flexible. The objective of these steps is not to eliminate our response of discomfort towards uncertainty. It is alright and normal to worry and feel anxiety at times. Rather, the objective is to become aware of how consistent efforts to not feel discomfort get in the way of engaging in experiences that are unknowable and likely to also be highly meaningful such as connecting with others and moving towards goals (Wilson & Dufrene, 2010).

Building tolerance to uncertainty is like strengthening a muscle. The more you work it out, the stronger it becomes!


Rhea Marshall-Denton is a Ph.D. candidate in clinical psychology at the Université du Québec à Montréal, and a therapist at Connecte Montreal Psychology Group. The team at Connecte loves writing about ways to boost our mental health and bring psychology into our everyday lives. For more helpful tips, check out Connecte’s blogspodcast, follow @connectepsychology on Instagram, or like us on Facebook.


References

Carleton, R. N., Desgagné, G., Krakauer, R., & Hong, R. Y. (2019). Increasing intolerance of uncertainty over time: the potential influence of increasing connectivity. Cognitive behaviour therapy, 48(2), 121-136.

Dugas, M. J., Gosselin, P., & Ladouceur, R. (2001). Intolerance of uncertainty and worry: Investigating specificity in a nonclinical sample. Cognitive therapy and Research, 25(5), 551-558.

Rassin, E., & Muris, P. (2005). Indecisiveness and the interpretation of ambiguous situations. Personality and Individual Differences, 39(7), 1285-1291.

Wilson, K. G., & Dufrene, T. (2010). Things might go terribly, horribly wrong: A guide to life liberated from anxiety. Oakland, California: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

“Holding Space” for Others’ Distress: How to Be There for your Loved One Without Trying to Fix Their Problems

“Holding Space” for Others’ Distress: How to Be There for your Loved One Without Trying to Fix Their Problems

Photo by  rawpixel  on  Unsplash

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Have you ever been with a friend, partner, your kid, etc. and they’re extremely upset about something going on in their lives? For example, they failed a class, lost a parent, lost their job, or are struggling with a health issue? What is your first reaction? My first reaction is often to try to do or say whatever I can to make their suffering go away as fast as possible. If the person experiencing the distress is a young kid, I might have the urge to distract them; for example, by saying, “Check out this cool toy!” If it’s an adult, I might go into problem-solving or advice-giving mode, and say something like, “Maybe it’s time to discuss with your boss the possibility of moving to another department?”. While these approaches can be helpful, there are some ways in which they are potentially problematic.

What is wrong with trying to advice-give or problem-solve our loved ones’ suffering away, or distract them from their negative emotion? I’ve listed a few of the potential problems with this approach below.

1. You might be invalidating their feelings.

By trying to advice-give/problem-solve/distract our loved ones’ suffering away, we could inadvertently be giving them the message that they “shouldn’t” feel this way or that their feelings are “wrong” or inappropriate. In other words, we may, without even realizing it, be invalidating their feelings. Examples of invalidating responses include, “It’s not that bad”, “Big girls don’t cry”, or “You’re probably just over-tired”. We could also invalidate a loved one’s emotions through what we do, not just what we say. For example, when we distract a child who’s crying by showing him a shiny new toy.

2. You might be giving them the message that “negative emotions are bad.”

By trying to help our loved ones get rid of their negative emotion as fast as possible, we could be feeding into the false idea that negative emotions are bad. Although negative emotions can be extremely unpleasant, they do serve an important function.

For example, sadness could be telling us that we’ve lost something important, and therefore help us prioritize for the future the things we really care about. Anger, on the other hand, could be telling us that we’re being treated unfairly, and if we don’t take the time to acknowledge the anger and reflect on it, we may not be motivated to make changes to an unhealthy situation.

So, if we quickly try to change our loved ones’ negative emotions, they may not have the opportunity to get the information that the emotion is trying to tell them, and we may be adding to the belief that negative emotions are simply bad and should be shut down ASAP.

3. You might be implying that they can’t handle negative emotions.

Our quick attempts to problem-solve or advice-give could also be inadvertently telling our loved one that they can’t handle their emotions. To be fair, negative emotions are tough to handle. But, if we are able to sit with our emotions, perhaps using some self-soothing strategies while doing so, like deep breathing and imagery, we may find the emotion will run its course without us having to bottle it up or push it away. Being mindful of negative emotions in this way is beneficial because it allows us to process the emotion (see Point 5) and recognize what the emotion is trying to communicate to us (see Point 2). Additionally, sometimes the strategies we use to bottle up or push away emotions cause more suffering, such as numbing through sleep or alcohol, avoiding situations or people, and keeping ourselves excessively busy.

4. It may be more about us than them.

Our attempts to problem-solve the emotion away may be more about our own discomfort than about our loved one’s suffering. In this way, we might not be providing our loved one with the type of support they’re looking for. They may, for example, simply want a listening ear.

5. They may not have the opportunity to process their emotion.

By helping our loved one push away or bottle up their emotion, they might not have the opportunity to process the emotion. Why is processing our emotions important? As mentioned in Point 2, If we push emotions away, or “bottle them up”, we may not be aware of the important information they’re trying to communicate to us (Greenberg, 2002). Also, emotions that get pushed into the background don’t necessarily go away, but might continue to exist as “unfinished business.” The more unfinished emotional business we have, the greater the likelihood these emotions will build up until they essentially “overflow”, resulting in us feeling, for example, an overwhelming amount of emotional pain (Greenberg, 2002). In these types of situations, when we’re overwhelmed with emotion, we may end up lashing out with rage, or falling into deep self-loathing or despair.

6. You may be feeding into their self-critical thoughts.

Blocking negative emotions can make us feel worse about ourselves. To block our negative emotions, we have to tell ourselves things like, “Stop feeling this way!”, “You’re being ridiculous!” “Get over it already!”. Talking to ourselves and judging our emotions in this way can lead to a bunch of other negative emotions (like shame, anger toward ourselves, etc.). So, if you’re helping your loved one block their negative emotion, you could be facilitating their beating themselves up over their emotions

What can we do to “hold space” for our loved one’s difficult emotions, instead of trying to problem-solve, advice-give, or distract them away? What is commonly known as active listening is a great way to simply “hold space” for your loved one’s distress (Weger, Castle Bell, Minei, & Robinson, 2014).

Check out these tips for active listening:

1. Tolerate your own discomfort.

If someone you care about is really distressed and you just want it to stop, take a few long, deep breaths; remind yourself that this will pass and you can still be there for your loved one without making the emotion go away; and remember that, although it’s really difficult, experiencing negative emotions is a necessary part of learning and growing.

2. Communicate attentiveness through your body language.

Make eye contact, nod your head, and use an open, relaxed body posture.

3. Communicate attentiveness through your words.

Use phrases like, “Uh-huh”, “I see”, and “I hear you” to let the person know you’re listening. Reflect back to them what they’re saying (e.g., “It sounds like what you’re saying is you really weren’t expecting this and that makes it even more difficult.”). This will help your loved one feel heard and understood, and will build trust between the two of you.

4. Be a sounding board and reflect back.

Allow your loved one to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical stance. Summarize their experience, what they’re saying and reflect it back to them. This will allow them to feel heard, understood, and will also correct your perception if you’re misunderstanding them.

5. Avoid advice-giving or “teaching” and interrupting.

Advice-giving and “teaching” can potentially lead to the problems discussed above (e.g., invalidation of feelings, not allowing emotions to be processed). If you sense that your loved one is really looking for advice, and you feel it might be helpful, you could always check in with them first before giving advice: “I can help you problem-solve, I can give you some advice, but I’m also happy to just listen.”

6. Invite the person to say more.

For example, "Tell me about it", or "I'd like to hear more about that if you’re comfortable."

7. Be authentic.

If it’s hard for you to relate to what the person is going through, don’t pretend. Instead, you might say something like, “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now, but I want you to know I love you and I’m here for you.”

8. Don’t make it about you.

Try not to relate it to your own experience, unless you ask first. It’s natural to want to share a similar experience, as it can allow us to feel more connected to our loved one, and they may even feel less alone. The problem with this is that it could make it more about you than them, and take away from their unique experience, not really allowing them to feel heard. Instead, you might say something like, “I went through something that I think is similar. I can tell you about it if you like.”

———

I think one of our greatest abilities as humans is our capacity to problem-solve our way out of and “fix” difficult situations. We have probably survived so long because of this skill, which is one reason why we might default to this mode so quickly when someone we care about is struggling. However, as outlined above, there are also plenty of advantages to simply “being with” someone in their distress. I hope you found these tips helpful and can practice them next time someone you care about is sharing their difficulties with you.


Lisa Linardatos is a clinical psychologist in Westmount, Montreal, Quebec, at Connecte Montreal Psychology Group. The team at Connecte loves writing about ways to boost our mental health and bring psychology into our everyday lives. For more helpful tips, check out Connecte’s blogspodcast, follow @connectepsychology on Instagram, or like us on Facebook.


References

Greenberg, L. S. (2002). Greenberg Emotion-focused therapy: coaching clients to work through feelings. American Psychological Association Press, Washingoton, DC.

Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT® skills training manual, second edition. Guilford Publications.

Weger Jr, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.

Less What, More Why

Less What, More Why

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In sessions, clients often contemplate important decisions, such as whether to quit a job or whether to end a friendship. We sometimes go into problem-solving mode and consider practical factors, like the pros and cons of their different options. But over time, I have found myself focusing less on the ‘what’ and more on the ‘why’. That is, why they would be making that decision. So often, I don’t think that either of the options they are contemplating is inherently right or wrong, good or bad; but the reasoning behind it can vary in how healthy or constructive it is for them.

Let me give you a couple of examples to illustrate what I mean:

1. Imagine that you want to stay home and cancel plans to go out with friends over the week end. Again, there is nothing inherently right or wrong about this decision. But the reasoning is important.

a. You might be doing this because you have had a busy week and you find alone-time nourishing, especially when you spend it resting and engaging in hobbies that you enjoy.

b. However, you might also be making this decision because social situations make you nervous and you’d rather not put yourself through that. Indeed, anxiety often elicits the urge to avoid. People struggling with social anxiety often find themselves avoiding social situations which make them anxious (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Importantly, avoiding something that makes us nervous can lead us to feel relieved in the short-term, but may actually serve to reinforce our fear over time (see Barlow & Craske, 2007).

In this example, the same behavior can be performed in the service of self-care in the former instance, and as an act of avoidance in the latter.

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2. Imagine that you often find yourself doing more than your fair share in a relationship. Over time, you might find yourself feeling hurt or resentful. You may be tempted to dial back how much effort you’re putting in for a while. There is no clear good or bad choice here, and this is where I would suggest that you pause and ask yourself why; what would be your goal in reducing your efforts?

a. You might be driven by a desire to make things more equitable in order to avoid feeling resentful toward your partner in the future. Indeed, some research suggests that relationship partners are more satisfied when they view the relationship as equitable (Stafford & Canary, 2006).

b. However, you might also be doing this to test your partner, that is, hoping that they’ll notice the change in your behavior, detect your underlying dissatisfaction, and adjust their behavior accordingly (e.g. by expressing more appreciation or doing their fair share). This can be risky for multiple reasons, including that your partner may not recognize the message you are trying to send and/or that they might not appreciate being tested in this way.

As you can see, the same behavior can aim to prevent resentment in one case, or to test the relationship in another case.

The practice of pausing and asking ourselves why may help us to get in touch with our underlying motivations, so that we can make more informed decisions. In so doing, it brings us one step closer to purposeful and thoughtful responding - rather than simply reacting.


Simcha Samuel is a clinical psychologist in Westmount, Montreal, Quebec, at Connecte Montreal Psychology Group. The team at Connecte loves writing about ways to boost our mental health and bring psychology into our everyday lives. For more helpful tips, check out Connecte’s blogspodcast, follow @connectepsychology on Instagram or like us on Facebook.


References and Resources

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Barlow, D.H. & Craske, M.G. (2007). Treatments that work: Mastery of your anxiety and panic (4th ed.). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

McKay, M., Wood, J.C., & Brantley, J. (2007). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation & distress tolerance. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Stafford, L. & Canary, D.J. (2006). Equity and interdependence as predictors of relational maintenance strategies. The Journal of Family Communication, 6, 227-254.

Purposeful Parenting: Rethinking Discipline

Purposeful Parenting: Rethinking Discipline

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Parenting behaviors are strong predictors of socioemotional, behavioural, and cognitive child outcomes (Altschul, Lee & Gertshoff, 2016; Scaramella & Leve, 2004; Shaw et al., 2003; Treyvaud et al., 2015). This means that, from the moment of conception, as parents we hold a significant influence over our children’s development; not only are we among the most important individuals in our child’s life, but what we do within this role is crucial for our child’s development. How’s that for sitting in the hot seat?

This idea can become quite overwhelming, as there are definitely moments in the day when we find ourselves reacting in ways we do not deem best (e.g. yelling over spilled milk), and we then spend time backtracking, feeling guilty, wondering if we were too lenient or too harsh, and ultimately feeling like we’ve failed. Parenting can feel like this sometimes… like rocket science… like an ever-changing abstract problem that continues to transform the moment we feel we are starting to figure it all out.

https://ubisafe.org/explore/disciplining-clipart-teaching/

https://ubisafe.org/explore/disciplining-clipart-teaching/

Can you think of a time when you know you could have better handled a situation?

Well, here is the news: there is no such thing as the Perfect Parent. All parents make mistakes… parents are human, after all (despite superhuman talents in multitasking). The significant point here is, however, how we respond to our mistakes. If we model how to take responsibility for our shortcomings and take the time to repair relationships afterward, even our little slip-ups can become valuable lessons, and provide children with the opportunity to deal with difficult situations and develop new skills.

In this way, the impact and significance of parenting on children’s development becomes the gateway through which we can provide our children with continuous opportunities to learn to make good choices, instill positive self-regulation strategies, and teach them skills that they will carry forward throughout their life in order to become kind and successful individuals.Thus, it is clear that when navigating through our daily routines, our parenting must be both purposeful and intentional.

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One important way to engage in a more informed and intentional parenting style, as opposed to reactive behaviours, is by beginning to reflect on the purpose of our parenting practices. A particular aspect of parenting that holds a great impact on development and achievement is discipline.

Let us take a moment to reflect on the concept of discipline. What does discipline in your home look like? Oftentimes, when our children are misbehaving and doing things they know they should not be doing, we sometimes result to the following: we raise our voices, we yell, we wave our finger back and forth, we take an item or activity away, we send our children to their rooms or to time-out… we provide consequences.

This is completely understandable. At times, we cannot help but feel frustrated, angry, and exhausted when we walk in on our child jumping up and down on the new couch in our living room while holding his crumb-filled (or no longer filled) plate. And after all, these immediate actions or consequences do tend to put an end to the misbehavior in that moment. And then that’s it… we’ve laid down the law, the behaviour stops and we have a moment of (what we can attempt to call) peace.

In the short term, we have succeeded. However, what was our long-term goal in this strategy? What has our child taken away from this experience? Is the goal of our discipline practice to meet each misbehaviour with a consequence?

As explained by Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson in “No-Drama Discipline” (2016), the goal of discipline is to teach. Thus, when disciplining, it becomes important to think about what lesson it is we want to teach in that particular moment.We use these discipline moments to build skills so that our children can handle themselves better both in the moment and in the future. When disciplining, there are often better ways to teach than providing consequences.We want our short-term goal to include cooperation and doing the right thing. We want our long-term goal to involve the development of new skills in order to make better decisions and develop self-control.

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As we hold such an important role in the life of our children, and as our actions have a longstanding impact, it is imperative that we take the time to start reflecting about the purpose of our parenting approach and about the lessons we want to teach through discipline.

Below are a number of questions outlined by Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson (2016) that can help guide your discipline approach and help you reflect on engaging in more purposeful parenting:

  • Do I have a consistent discipline philosophy that I implement when my child misbehaves?

  • Is what I’m doing working? Am I able to teach the lessons I want to teach?

  • Do I feel good about what I’m doing? Am I enjoying the way I am engaging with my children?

  • Do my kids feel good about it? Do my children feel love through my approach?

  • Do I feel good about the messages I’m communicating to my children?

  • How much does my approach resemble that of my parents? Am I repeating old patterns?

  • Does my approach ever lead to my children apologizing in a sincere manner?

  • Does it allow me to take responsibility and apologize for my own actions? Am I a model for my children?


Margarita Miseros is a PhD Student in the School/Applied Child Psychology at McGill University in Montreal, Quebec, and a therapist at Connecte Montreal Psychology Group. The team at Connecte loves writing about ways to boost our mental health and bring psychology into our everyday lives. For more helpful tips, check out Connecte’s blogspodcast, follow @connectepsychology on Instagram, or like us on Facebook.


References

Altschul, I., Lee, S. J., & Gershoff, E. T. (2016). Hugs, Not Hits: Warmth and Spanking as Predictors of Child Social Competence. Journal of Marriage and Family, 78(3), 695-714. doi:10.1111/jomf.12306

Scaramella, L. V., & Leve, L. D. (2004). Clarifying parent-child reciprocities during early childhood: the early childhood coercion model. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 7, 89–107.

Shaw, D. S., Gilliom, M., Ingoldsby, E. M., & Nagin, D. S. (2003). Trajectories leading to school-age conduct problems. Developmental Psychology, 39, 189–200.

Siegel, D., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). No-Drama Discipline Exercises, Activities, and Practical Strategies to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Developing Minds. Ashland: PESI Publishing & Media.

Treyvaud, K., Doyle, L. W., Lee, K. J., Ure, A., Inder, T. E., Hunt, R. W., & Anderson, P. J. (2015). Parenting behavior at 2 years predicts school-age performance at 7 years in very preterm children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 57(7), 814-821. doi:10.1111/jcpp.12489

Choisir

Choisir

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Du choix du repas au choix de carrière, du choix des vêtements le matin au désir d’avoir des enfants, des activités à faire dans la fin de semaine à une décision médicale… la vie est ponctuée d’un enchainement continu de choix à faire, de décisions à prendre. Parfois, le fait de faire un choix peut devenir déroutant, angoissant, insupportable!

Je marque une pause pour partager une réflexion personnelle que j’ai eue en voyage. Quand on visite d’autres pays, d’autres endroits de la planète, nous sommes confrontés à l’évidence que tous et toutes n’ont pas les mêmes possibilités. Je revois ce jeune pêcheur avec qui on prend le temps de discuter pour se rendre compte que son père était pêcheur, son grand-père aussi, son arrière-grand-père également et ainsi de suite. Auparavant, on pouvait observer la même chose au Québec ou peu de choix de vie s’offraient à nos arrières grands-parents ou mêmes à nos grands-parents: peu de possibilités quant au choix de carrière, on se mariait jeune, on avait des enfants, etc. Le fonctionnement de notre société a maintenant changé. Les différents changements, cette évolution, placent également les individus devant un plus grand nombre de choix à faire. C’est passer d’un monde où on survie, à un monde où on choisit.

Dans le monde où on vit actuellement, nous avons donc «la chance» d’avoir plusieurs opportunités différentes, de choisir des chemins différents, la chance de faire des choix! Cette chance qui… pourrait s’avérer ne pas en être une!

Dans ma pratique professionnelle comme psychologue mais aussi dans ma vie personnelle, il ne m’est pas rare de rencontrer des individus qui sont aux prises avec le choix, perdus dans l’ambivalence. Barry Schawrtz, psychologue a écrit un livre à ce sujet: Le paradoxe du choix. Il discute de l’univers dans lequel on vit, de l’effet pervers de l’abondance de choix et de son lien avec les difficultés psychologiques que certains peuvent éprouver. Il décline son propos en trois effets majeurs créés par cette abondance de choix. Il nomme d’abord la paralysie que peut provoquer un trop grand nombre de possibilités. Ensuite, il aborde la plus grande chance d’être insatisfait de son choix étant donné qu’on peut le comparer à un ensemble de possibilités qui auraient pu être choisies et le troisième qui est l’escalade des attentes qui se résumerait par le fait que si j’ai autant d’options devant moi, l’une d’entre elles devrait être parfaite. Le psychologue résume également son propos dans un TED TALK que vous pouvez consulter ici: https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.

Plusieurs individus de différents horizons ont tenté de résoudre le problème découlant des choix à faire, de proposer une solution qui aiderait à calmer l’angoisse qu’on peut ressentir devant l’absence de réponse. On passe de propositions plus farfelues, à des propositions ésotériques, à des propositions plus scientifiques. Je me rappelle d’une petite boule (la Magic 8 ball) qui répondait à toutes nos questions seulement après l’avoir secouée. Des applications pour les téléphones mobiles sont maintenant disponibles pour aider à faire des choix. On peut aussi penser aux voyantes et autres qui tentent de répondre aux indécisions face à l’avenir. Des outils plus sérieux ont également été développés pour nous aider à prendre des décisions. Isabelle Falardeau, psychologue et conseillère d’orientation, a écrit un ouvrage sur le sujet: Sortir de l’indécision. Elle y propose des outils et des pistes de réflexion intéressantes. Notamment, elle y aborde quatre peurs principales qui peuvent nous maintenir dans l’inaction, dans une paralysie par rapport aux choix à faire.

1. La peur de se tromper

Je suis certaine que plusieurs d’entre nous (pour ne pas dire nous tous!), ont été confrontés à cette peur de se tromper, de prendre une mauvaise décision, de choisir le mauvais chemin. L’auteure du livre mentionne que cette crainte est souvent observée chez les perfectionnistes qui peuvent avoir tendance à croire qu’il existe une seule et unique bonne solution! La vérité, c’est que plusieurs choix peuvent être bons, tout dépendamment du contexte. Même en sachant que plusieurs chemins sont possibles, la pression à faire les bons choix demeure difficile. En ce sens, je vous invite à consulter la publication de ma collègue Jacinthe Lemelin intitulée Le perfectionnisme: un avantage ou un inconvénient?. Elle y donne des astuces pour vaincre le perfectionnisme malsain qui peut assurément être observé chez certaines personnes qui sont paralysées par la peur de se tromper en faisant un choix.

2. La peur de l’échec

Parfois, cette peur peut être si intense qu’elle nous empêche de prendre des risques et ainsi, nous empêche d’avancer. Il est nécessaire de garder à l’esprit que TOUT le monde fait des erreurs et vit des échecs. Il est difficile d’adopter cette vision après une mauvaise décision ou un échec, mais ces situations sont souvent bien utiles pour apprendre et se développer personnellement.

3. La peur de l’inconnu

Lorsque l’on prend une décision, il est impossible de connaitre l’ensemble des impacts que celle-ci aura dans l’avenir. Isabelle Falardeau mentionne que “décider, c’est à la fois prendre du pouvoir sur sa vie tout en acceptant de perdre momentanément le contrôle sur les événements à venir”.

4. Peur de déplaire

Chaque individu accorde une importance plus ou moins grande au regard extérieur et à l’opinion de l’autre. Certains en arrivent même à être contraints par ce regard et à lui attribuer davantage de valeur qu’à leur propre vision. Il s’avère toutefois que faire des choix ou prendre des décisions impliquent dans certaines situations de déplaire aux autres. Il faut se rappeler qu’il est impossible de correspondre aux attentes de tout le monde! C’est donc important de prioriser nos attentes internes plutôt que les attentes externes.

Il peut donc être intéressant de réfléchir et de prendre conscience de la peur ou des peurs qui vous habitent pour être davantage en mesure de les affronter dans un contexte de choix!

Dans la même lignée, soit celle d’améliorer notre conscience de soi par rapport à notre façon de faire des choix ou de prendre des décisions, Nadine Sciacca propose dans son livre trois profils de «décideurs». Ainsi, pour vous permettre de vous connaitre encore mieux dans un contexte de choix, voici une courte définition de chacun des types et en prime, certains trucs qui pourraient s’avérer être pratiques!

A. Le décideur évitant

C’est qui? Trois types de comportement peuvent être observés chez le décideur évitant. Le statut quo, la procrastination ou encore la délégation à autrui. En étant passif, en repoussant ou en octroyant à autrui le pouvoir de faire les choix, le décideur évitant ne développe pas l’autonomie et la confiance nécessaire pour les choix éventuels.

Des conseils? Le décideur évitant doit se souvenir et se confronter constamment à l’idée que de ne pas prendre de décision peut avoir des conséquences à la fois de façon concrète et identitaire (confiance en soi, sentiment de pouvoir sur sa vie, etc.). Il doit également s’accorder le droit à l’erreur qui elle, permet ultimement le développement personnel.

B. Le décideur hypercontrôlant

C’est qui? Le décideur hypercontrôlant essaie d’avoir un portrait exhaustif (avoir tous les avis, toute l’information disponible, etc.) d’une situation avant de prendre une décision. Il a également tendance à vouloir tout décider soi-même. Malheureusement, cette stratégie qui vise à préserver le contrôle peut avoir l’effet inverse! En effet, le décideur hypercontrôlant peut devenir très anxieux dans les contextes dans lesquels il se retrouve impuissant. Cette stratégie peut également nuire aux relations interpersonnelles du décideur hypercontrôlant.

Des conseils? L’auteure suggère la pratique du lâcher-prise et encourage ce type de décideur à déléguer davantage. Elle suggère également des trucs concrets comme se fixer des limites raisonnables quant à la recherche d’informations (nombres d’avis, information), accepter le risque d’erreur et laisser une place à l’entourage.

C. Le décideur impulsif

C’est qui? À l’opposé du décideur hypercontrôlant, le décideur impulsif va choisir rapidement en esquivant l’étape de l’analyse, de la réflexion et de la recherche d’avis extérieurs. Il est souvent difficile pour le décideur impulsif de tolérer l’angoisse ressentie devant la prise de décision.

Des conseils? Le décideur impulsif devrait apprendre à se laisser du temps, à prendre un recul. Pour ce faire, il est nécessaire d’accueillir les émotions difficiles qui accompagnent l’attente et tenter de les apprivoiser. Sciacca donne des trucs plus concrets comme se fixer un temps d’attente, s’exiger d’avoir un minimum de deux avis avant de prendre une décision, retarder la mise en action, etc.

J’espère maintenant que vous connaissez mieux votre profil de décideur qui est souvent relié aux différentes craintes que l’on peut éprouver par rapport aux choix qui s’offrent à nous. Il n’en demeure pas moins que le fait de faire un choix est souvent difficile…

Je terminerais avec la citation d’une artiste que j’affectionne particulièrement:

Malgré moi

Puis aussi malgré vous

Et malgré la vie

J’ai choisi

De choisir

DUVAL1


Stéphanie Landry est une psychologue à la clinique Connecte Groupe de psychologie de Montréal. L’équipe de Connecte aime bien écrire sur les diverses façons d’améliorer notre santé mentale et inclure la psychologie dans notre vie quotidienne. Pour plus de conseils utiles, consultez les blogues de Connecte, les baladodiffusions, suivez-nous sur Instagram @connectepsychology ou aimez notre page sur Facebook.


Références

Falardeau, I. (2007). Sortir de l’indécision. Canada: Septembre éditeur.

Schwartz, B. (2009). Le paradoxe du choix: Et si la culture de l'abondance nous élFalardeau, I. (2007). Sortir de l’indécision. Canada: Septembre éditeur.

Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why more is less.

Schwartz, B. (2005). Barry Schwartz: The paradox of choice [video file]. Repéré à https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice

Sciacca, N. (2016). Comment prendre de bonnes décisions.


1Pour voir son travail: @duval.art sur Instagram et DUVAL Art sur Facebook